December 26th, 2013
|10:58 pm - The Tease|
Damn it universe, make up your mind already.
Or I'll start making it.
I'm sure starting tomorrow I'll start doing stupid things and ruin everything.
But it sure as hell beats waiting and doing nothing.
Fuck you, untimely encounter. You were the best and worst thing I've had in years.
January 12th, 2013
|11:42 pm - Hello there. Nice to meet you.|
I can't believe I still have this thing. I'm reading through old entries now, and it's enlightening. I had some deep thoughts sometimes, and then sometimes I was a whiny little brat. More the latter than the former. My one regret in hindsight is that I wasn't descriptive enough with what I was writing about. It's like cryptic ass-hat poetry and I'm like, "What the hell was I talking about?" Not doing that anymore, since I'm an adult and have learned to be straightforward about things. (haha, sarcasm. I don't do that IRL)
Why am I posting on here, anyway? Because I've found that I don't have anyone to talk to about the things I'm feeling. The relationships with my friends are waning, and my family has never been big on sharing feelings. I need an outlet; so Livejournal, you get the job. Probably going to make a series of posts about things I've been feeling for the past year and things I've realized and things that I care about and don't care about. I might even make a whole post about my friends and what I really think about them. I can do this because none of it is really bad, and none of it is anything I wouldn't say to their faces. Also, I don't think anyone will read these, so I'm safe on that end.
I can already feel a little better writing shit down. Feels good to not keep things bottled up. And I got a lot of crap bottled up.
August 30th, 2011
|07:56 pm - Inward reflection, outward refraction|
I randomly logged onto the LJ and saw a few people actually still posting things. Not only that, but they were all serious about it too. So I guess, I feel like I should do the same, since I haven't in a while.
Living with Chaz. Probably my best roommate ever, and I'm thankful for that. I still sometimes wish I lived by myself, but I think that I'd get really lonely sometimes too. Also I'd get poor pretty quickly. Our lease is up for renewal soon, and I think we'll just stay here another year. It's nice enough.
My work is okay. Things seem to change every month, so it's always "exciting" in that regard. Got two raises in one year, which was nice, but I'm still underpaid by about $12k a year compared to the people I work with. I'm not that upset about the money I make, it's good enough, but I get annoyed when I do the same amount of work (at least) as people who make a whole lot more money than me. It's because I'm not an actual employee of course, just a contractor. If I get hired on, then that'll all change, but until that actually happens (they've been promising this one guy it for 3 years now...) I'll still keep an eye out for a better job. I've come to like most of the people I work with though, and it's a pretty sweet job and has good hours, which is why I'm not too bothered to find another job.
I wish I had more time to draw my comic, but I'm just not into it as much as I was. Still try to update it every once in a while though. Gotta keep my drawing chops up. I'm a lot more into brewing beer lately. I don't know why, but I like how it's complicated and simple at the same time. I want to get really creative with recipies and everything. In a dream world I'd have a brewpub where I can cook and brew beer for people. That's if I suddenly won the lottery or something though. Right now I want to pay off my student loans and car. If I'm good about it, I can probably pay them off before I'm 30. That's my goal anyway.
When it comes to love life... meh. That is probably the best word I can use to describe it. I haven't been on a date in like a year or two (can't remember) and I haven't had a second date since I last had a girlfriend, which was... 4 1/2 years ago. It is sad that I had to take the time to count that out. On the plus side though, After that long, Cate doesn't seem to actively hate me all the time. I consider that a small victory. Makes hanging out and being friends with her a little easier. Anyway, since it's been so long, I'm divided between an urge to actually have physical contact with a woman, and the apathy of having to deal with women. Hence, we have "meh." I'd actually be fine with my sister getting hitched and having a baby so I can be an uncle. I'd be excited about that, because I love kids, and kids fucking love me. I'd be the best uncle ever, motherfuckers. I doubt she will get married and have kids any time soon though. And that's fine, she's young still. So am I, I guess.
I've had similar discussions with a few friends about this though, and how I've mentioned that my main problem is I just don't meet anyone new, let alone women. My work places have always been traditionally filled with dudes, and I spend my time at bars with friends, and doing nerdy things. So a couple people said, "You should do that online dating thing," because it worked for a lot o them, and as one friend said, "Heck, I don't go to bars or dancing or anything, I stay in all the time to play cards and RPGs, and if I wasn't married I'd probably never meet a girl." Therefore, I gave it a whirl. Made a profile, did some stalking, and... I was disappointed. It just wasn't for me I guess. I mean, should I meet a girl, I want to have that story of how we met. I'm a sucker for stories, and I think I'd need that in a relationship.
In conclusion, I'm fine with being a bachelor for a while. As long as people stop getting married and stop hanging out with me. Stop that.
I think that's it for now. Gonna brew some beer and play Tetris Attack.
April 14th, 2011
|12:45 am - Depression ಠ_ಠ|
Man, I was having such a good day too.
I have a tendency to be cruising along just fine, and then one little remark on how I'm stupid, or one little thought of self doubt slips in, and it cascades into a shitstorm of feeling worthless. Start doubting everything I do, wondering if anything I do matters...
I wonder if I've always been like this. I can't remember not being like this. Well, that's not true, I can think of a few moments in my life I was happy... but in the grand scheme of things, they seem brief and fleeting.
Ah well, I'm sure by tomorrow morning I'll forget about this and be fine.
March 23rd, 2011
|01:08 am - Musings|
You're still there.
You haven't left.
But yet, you ignore me.
I wonder why.
I wonder if this is done, or there's still something to be said between us.
I'm too scared to say something now, but I'm also scared you're waiting for exactly that.
March 4th, 2011
|03:35 am - Ffffff|
Argh I hate staying up this late all I do is think about stupid things but then I think of stupid things and I can't sleep my mind is too active. So now I'm going to be depressed all night and super tired all day this sucks I want to diiiiiiiiie.
I've been getting fat so I'm trying not to eat as much but that just makes me super hungry all the time and it's probably why I haven't been able to fall asleep all week. This sucks so much. I should just eat a whole lot of food and be fat and happy but sad because I'm alone and will die of a heart attack at 40.
UGH life you are so unfair.
January 17th, 2011
|02:41 am - Annual Emo Rant|
Livejournal, I'm sorry you have to hear all my emo postings and whining. It's just that my parents have become internet-aware, and you are my last safe-haven from them. And I don't want my parents thinking I'm sad or have problems, because they'll get worried and start trying to talk to me about it. But you Livejournal and the 5 people or so who still have them, you guys are fine. You already know I have problems and probably won't care if I rant a little, so thanks.
Really glad to be out of my parents' house, even though sometimes I question if it was a good idea. It was. I feel good to be independent again, making food, surviving, etc. Plus, it's nice and quiet. I like quiet, and I like solitude. When I don't get that, I tend to be cranky.
I don't know how much solitude is good. I haven't been with a girl in like... 4 years now. Which seems like a long time. I dunno, maybe I'm broken or something. I haven't seem to been able to generate any kind of interest in anyone. Which is not to say I haven't been interested in anyone. I have a few times. They just don't seem to pan out favorably. Then I get into the argument with myself, "Do you really need to worry about this? I mean, would having some sexual relief really solve anything? Would having a girlfriend really be easier?" Because the answers to those are, "probably not". Sex isn't all that important to me, and girlfriends are (historically) stressful. My brain tells me I don't need that stuff, but it doesn't stop me from trying to flirt with pretty girls, or get frustrated when I don't make a move. Clearly, it's something I don't have a say in.
Anyway, job. Is this what I want to do? I dunno. As far as jobs go, this isn't that bad. It's not very demanding, the hours are ok, I get 3 day weekends. The people I work with are great, and I end up having a lot of free time to do... well, not a lot. It's not a very rewarding job though, I don't come home and feel like I accomplished much. Which is a little disheartening, since it kind of leaves a hole in my soul that I can't fill with anything else. I'm missing pride. I guess I'm trying to fill it in with this webcomic, or when I wrote music, or some of the other random projects I have taken up over the years. I just haven't had anything I've worked at for a long time, and felt proud to be a part of. Last time I really felt that way about was marching band. I miss that. I miss being a part of something that, I dunno, makes an impression on people.
It all comes down to this: when you wake up in the morning, do you feel like you have a goal to accomplish that day? Do you feel like by the end of the day, you'll have made a difference? A lot of times, I wake up, and I don't feel like that. I feel like there's no difference between me waking up and just staying in bed all day. It's a depressing feeling, to feel like your actions don't make a difference. I feel like George Baily sometimes, wondering if the world even notices me. I know I make *some* sort of difference, since if I didn't exist then obviously people would know different people, etc. I mean in the grand scheme of things, big impacts. And unfortunately I don't have an angel looking out for me and showing me the difference I made in life. I'll have to wait until I'm older, if at all. I wonder if when I'm old and dying, I'll be able to look back and see the difference I made. I wonder if I'll be able to see at all.
I tend to have these little episodes of death-panic, where I think about death, and panic. Death, mortality, and the whole bag freak me out, because it's so unknowable, and basically anything that is completely unknown freaks me out. Now that I think about it, this whole rant is all intertwined.
My biggest worry and problem is how I've turned into an asshole. Maybe because I haven't had a meaningful relationship in so long, maybe because I've lost people I loved, maybe because it's just part of growing up. I just feel like a bigger asshole than ever, and I don't think I would be my friend if I was someone else. And that is what worries me the most; I am starting to really dislike myself, and even worse, feel indifferent about it. I mean, would you care if I died tomorrow? If anyone you knew did? You probably would. You'd probably be sad about it, and it would leave a memory of sadness you'd carry on your heart.
Me? There's no one in my life I really care about enough. Me? I wouldn't.
January 10th, 2011
|12:16 am - New Years Resolution|
So my new years resolution was to update at least once a week, every Monday. So far, I'm two for two, and thrilled. Not only that, but I found out I have enough time at work to work on one comic a week, so this should keep me up to date for a while. I might even have a buffer after a few weeks. Time will tell.
August 25th, 2010
|01:02 am - Emo rant|
This is the only place I can rant emo-like, because my Facebook has a bunch of my family on it, and my Twitter is kinda professional now. Bummer.
So, what's got me emo tonight is that I know so many awesome girls. Really, all my girl friends are awesome, and I'd feel honored and lucky to date them. Most of them are gorgeous and definitely my type.
Problem is, they are my friends. Most of them I just don't have romantic feelings for, and some of them are exes that I just can't be with anymore.
What I'm saying is, it sucks because I feel like the pool of potential girlfriends is severely limited because of the fact that I'm friends with so many of them. There are a lot of girls out there, but only so many that I would want to date, and I happen to know most of them (or have already dated them).
The most annoying this is how while I may know I am an ex-girlfriend's platonic friend, it's not like she becomes ugly; my mental and emotional attachment is severed, but I still get the hots for them. This is pretty true with all my exes; they're all still hot. This probably wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't single, but as it is, I can't help but notice how they are still hot. I just can't/won't do anything about it.
Ah well. While I've been rejected/denied by 3 girls in the past month or so, the fact that I met 3 girls in the past month is astounding, considering they're the first girls I've met in about 2 years. I must be doing something right, right?
August 22nd, 2010
|02:18 am - What is going on|
I feel like I have become the butt of everyone's jokes.
And I remember at one point that I would be okay with that.
But now that it's actually happened, I realize why it's not a good place to be.
Is life just screwy and messed up? Or am I the one messing it up for me?